Psalm 16: 1-11
Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.
I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”
As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand
I feel odd. I leave in 8 days. It feels like it should be so far away…but it’s not. I feel so silly, because I’m scared. Me, I hate being scared, nervous, everything. To me that is just weakness, same as crying. In my mind it shows a lack of faith in God, but no matter how much I think about it, how often I give it to Him, the fear and anxiety keep coming back. Fear if failing those who are sending me with their money, thoughts, and prayers. Fear of being gone for three weeks, basically on my own. Yes there are people going with me who seem amazing and who I have no problem trusting, but this is the first time I will be leaving without one of my best friends. I won’t be able to run to Jordan if I need to talk something out or feel the need to be wayward in the airports. Beau won’t be there to make me laugh when I don’t want to due to exhaustion. Devlet won’t be there to go on Cappy or ice cream runs with me. Angie won’t be there to freak out when Jordan and I disappear, Ethan won’t be there playing the role of the overprotective youth minister/big brother, and all the rest of the group won’t be there to bring the joy of baseball and a texan accent to the day.
Sure these seem little or trivial to people already moved out and away from their friends and family most of the time, but for me…this is crazy. Perhaps I’m being melodramatic, perhaps I’m overthinking it too much. But I’d rather have it out now than start going insane on the plane to Little Rock. Or worse, when I’m on the plane to Slovakia. haha, no calling Madre then. At least now maybe I’ll get some of the insanity out before they all meet me.
and yes, I’m fighting against myself and trusting God. Which seems to be getting harder lately…but whatever.
Yes, I’m praying and yes I know that all I can do is live my Life to His Glory and His alone.
…it’s a lot easier said than done…
