spellbond

{this is random. you’ve been warned}

I know He never said it would be easy. And I’ve heard the ‘you’re given this life to live because you’re strong enough to’. But it doesn’t help.

Will I always make life harder for myself? Will I always have issues focusing on what needs to happen? Will I always have such ridiculous issues keeping God where He deserves to be in my life?

Will I always be this afraid?

It’s the story of my life…I seem to get everything figured out and then I mess it up again.

In this case I was doing pretty well before mission trip, I was doing good after I got home, and then I let other things take over my life. School, work, relationships, friends, life in general. Meaning God got pushed down on the list. sure it’s normal, sure I’m human so its nothing unusual.

but I still feel like an idiot.

Especially now. Now that the person I’ve come to care about the most has basically challenged me to do better and intends on keeping me accountable with it. Ironically, it’s almost harder to focus, now that I’m actully trying. It’s kinda pathetic actully.

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I daydream too much. I’ve decided that. but the question is…is this a bad thing? or just a normal one?

Also, I’m tired of school. which leads to more daydreaming.

I mean, school is fun. I love meeting people. It makes me miss highschool terribly, but I love getting to meet people that know apsolutely nothing about me. haha. Unfortunately, I’m in dire need of some girls. haha. All of the new friends I’ve made that I actully talk to every class…are mostly guys. Which isn’t a bad thing…just…weird? haha. I need my girls from last semester back. we had good times.

I want a new camera. A big one. that can actully take amazing pictures without requiring me to go and mess with them online. now, I love my camera. it’s wonderful and has capture many memories for me. but…my amatuer photographer is going insane.

I’m ready to move out. I love my parents {not just because I know mom will read this…but because I really do }. but I’m ready for my own space. I want the chance to ‘be grown up’ {alas, Tink is growing up darlings…} and do my own thing. Set my own curfew and play house…with Erica {lol}. We’re going to have an awesome apartment.

I’m getting the wanderlust again. I want to go on a road trip or plane ride or…something. I’m tired of doing the same thing every day. school…work…sleep. over and over again. It’s going to drive me insane. It’s like a cycle I can’t escape. I want something different. something drastic.

and yes. I am slightly going insane.

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I that it’s this beautiful outside and I have to go to class. It’s driving me insane. I’m driving with the windows down and the music loud today. it’s soo pretty outside.

My fingernails are blue…it makes me happy.

I hate school. I want sweet tea. I want ice cream. I need ice cream. haha. Colin realized yesterday when I was in a horrible mood that if I ate ice cream I was better. I need ice cream.

I wanted to go running last night. I know, shocker isn’t it. but I did. It saves more money that burning my gas like I used to.

I wanna go to the country. deep in the country. just not to Denton or the random places around here. I want to go deep in the country. “where the blacktop ends”. I need a dirt road and trees.

I guess I’ll finally post this. it’s been up here for a week without being posted. I kept adding stuff. haha.

…

well. I hope life is going wonderful for all you poor souls who were bored enough to read this to the end.

Obichum Te my dears. or Lubim ta.

I miss Europe. :/

ya know…the last time I was this homesick for another country was after Bulgaria. but even that faded the closer I got to home.

I’ve been home from Slovakia for almost two weeks, and I still wake up every morning thinking about how I wish I was there. I go outside and not only get disappointed by the fact that it is 108 in Texas right now, but I have no glorious view of mountains or trees. I’m in Texas…it’s flat and brown and boring. I miss huge trees, mountains, hanging out with friends all day, getting ice cream every meal, drinking hot tea by the gallon, soup with every meal, and Slovak accents. For once, I miss the food. That has never happened before after a mission trip, that I would miss the food of the country.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being home. I did miss my family and friends and my life here. But compared to everything I did there…life is soo boring here. If I’m not working or with friends, I’m sitting at home. That gets old real quick. I miss the constant activity and the fact that there was always something to do.

I miss the people. I miss the atmosphere. I miss staying up till 1 talking when curfew was 12. I miss looking up at the stars. I miss sleeping with the windows open. I miss the laughter from language barriers. I miss dancing every night. I miss taking naps on the porch in the sun with Marisa and Ruth…while everyone else sat around us. I miss laughing at the interns and the games they came up with. I miss being called Texas Girl. I miss sitting on the porch listening to music with everyone.

I miss Slovakia and everyone that went.

I may come back later and tell stories…but for now, I’m done.

dobru noc my friends. {good night}

Meg

Sunday morning I had the priviledge to actully sit back and listen to what my paster was saying. Why couldn’t I before? I was in the choir. and in the choir with my ADD mind that suddenly has hundreds of faces to study does not lead to a focused listener. BUT this Sunday I stepped down from the stage and listened to the Paster for a time. But, I must admit…my focus is not good considering I leave TOMORROW for the mission trip I feel very unprepared for. So I gave into my distraction and {while trying to find the verse my friend Ricardo sent me that has been driving me crazy since he told me about it } found verses that both encouraged, and comforted me. And for some reason, I feel the need to share them. Perhaps so I will have them somewhere, or perhaps because someone needs to read them. *shrug* I don’t know. But here they are.

Psalm 46:1-3 — God is our Refuge and Strenght, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though it’s waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at it’s swelling pride.

Psalm 56:3-4 — When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?

Psalm 63:1-4 — O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

Psalm 118:29 — Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

Psalm 119:9-10 — How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. With all my heart I have sought You; do not let me wander from Your commandments.

Psalm 121:1-8– I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; the LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.

Psalm 139:7-12 — Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,  And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.

Proverbs 14:13 — Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and the end of joy may be grief.

Philippians 4:6-7 — Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

and the verse that tormented me all weekend:

Philippians 4:11– Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.

I thought about saying something about each of the verses…but decided not to. God doesn’t need my help.

I can’t believe I leave…tomorrow. It just seems so surprising to me. I mean, I’ve been counting down since forever. but really. TOMORROW?! I feel completely and totally unprepared.

Pray for me? I’m really hopeing God uses me but I have a issue with actully making myself useable if that makes sense.

I hope you all have an amazing three weeks.

Obichum Te

Meg

Psalm 16: 1-11

 Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge.

 I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”

 As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those will increase who run after other gods. I will not pour out their libations of blood or take up their names on my lips.

 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.

 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.

 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence,  with eternal pleasures at your right hand

I feel odd. I leave in 8 days. It feels like it should be so far away…but it’s not. I feel so silly, because I’m scared. Me, I hate being scared, nervous, everything. To me that is just weakness, same as crying. In my mind it shows a lack of faith in God, but no matter how much I think about it, how often I give it to Him, the fear and anxiety keep coming back. Fear if failing those who are sending me with their money, thoughts, and prayers. Fear of being gone for three weeks, basically on my own. Yes there are people going with me who seem amazing and who I have no problem trusting, but this is the first time I will be leaving without one of my best friends. I won’t be able to run to Jordan if I need to talk something out or feel the need to be wayward in the airports. Beau won’t be there to make me laugh when I don’t want to due to exhaustion. Devlet won’t be there to go on Cappy or ice cream runs with me. Angie won’t be there to freak out when Jordan and I disappear, Ethan won’t be there playing the role of the overprotective youth minister/big brother, and all the rest of the group won’t be there to bring the joy of baseball and a texan accent to the day.

Sure these seem little or trivial to people already moved out and away from their friends and family most of the time, but for me…this is crazy. Perhaps I’m being melodramatic, perhaps I’m overthinking it too much. But I’d rather have it out now than start going insane on the plane to Little Rock. Or worse, when I’m on the plane to Slovakia. haha, no calling Madre then. At least now maybe I’ll get some of the insanity out before they all meet me.

and yes, I’m fighting against myself and trusting God. Which seems to be getting harder lately…but whatever.

Yes, I’m praying and yes I know that all I can do is live my Life to His Glory and His alone.

…it’s a lot easier said than done…

I’m nervous. I am! Nervous about Slovakia, nervous about life, about college, about friendships, about romantic entanglements, about work and everything that involves the life of Megan. I don’t know why or when this started happening, but I woke up this morning insanely nervous. I tried everything I could not to be, but nothing has worked. See, when I get nervous I get sick to my stomach. I can’t eat because everything just doesn’t taste good. I feel gross and self conscious and I haven’t found anything that helps…

except for my Savior. I think He enjoys doing this to me because it makes me return my focus away from myself and back to Him, something I find very very very hard to do. This time, a friend from mission trip last year posted this verse in his blog, and it caught my attention and made me want to kick myself. 

Isaiah 40:28-31–Do you not know? Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Now, for some reason, no matter how many time I read or think of this verse it always makes me feel so silly. Why do I worry? Why do I freak out over little things? The God who created the ends of the earth doesn’t, and He has to watch out for all of us! I just watch out for myself most of the time! But when I take my hope away from Him and place it in friends, circustances, and what I want to see happen, everything I dream fails.

I will hope in the Lord and He will renew my strength. He will cause me to soar like an eagle, He will cause me to run and not grow weary, He will  cause me to walk and not be faint. It doesn’t say He might. It says He will.

when will I learn that and keep it with me always?

when I named this post freedom, I  suddenly got that image in my head of Braveheart. I don’t know why because I’ve only seen bits and pieces of that movie. but that’s what I got.

My first year of college is now over. I survived despite what I thought. I was disappointed, amused, sad, excited, and annoyed by college. Everyone said it was going to be rediculously hard, I was going to hate not being with my friends all the time, it was going to consume my life, and it was going to ruin most of my friendships.

I’m currently laughing at everyone who said that. Because while some of college was awful {8 page papers, annotated bibliographies, professers who cannot teach, and the cutest boys being the ones who party every other night}, it was prolly the most fun I’ve had in I don’t even know how long. I mean…really. I didn’t have to show up till 9 at the earliest, classes were every other day, and I got out at 1. And who wouldn’t love the month off for Christmas, starting a month after everyone, and getting out a month earlier.

But did I learn anything in this whole mess of college? I learned that Christianity is only as big as it is in records because they include very religion that says its Christian. That means LDS, Catholics, Lutherns, and everyone else are considered Christian in the whole legal slop. I learned history is only as boring as the people you have in class with you. I learned Math is more fun when I know I already love my teacher {haha first semester anyways, I had Angie…my highschool sunday school teacher}. I learned not to drive 78 on the highway on wednesday mornings when I’m late to class. I learned sometimes, if you have the right connections, you can get an A in class after two classes {music class. being in choir 4 years through college = A}. I learned that sometimes my 12 year old brother is more mature than a 30 year old.

I relearned not to underestimate God, He is the Provider. I relearned to put all my faith and trust in Him, because when the world is sleeping and can’t answer the phone — He never sleeps. I relearned that being obnouxious about your faith gets you no where. I relearned that even when people I begin to look up to leave me behind and become false, I still have God.

I made amazing new friends, both through church and through school. I realized the things I don’t need to get through life. I discovered who was really going to stay around when things got tough. And I rediscovered how important friendships really are.

I would say this has been a productive year. I didn’t go to a massive university, I didn’t relive highschool. My truck broke down twice, but I still got to school every classday. I lost some friends, but new ones stepped into their places and to be honest, I don’t miss the old ones.

God is good, life is going, and my picture is still being painted. Only God knows the way it will turn out.

Obichum Te

Megan

she ran down the hallway after him, tears beginning to well in her eyes. “But, you said you loved me! Why are you acting like this? Why are you leaving? What happened? I thought you loved me!” She stops, arms wrapped around herself as she stood and watched him stop, his hand on the doorknob. He turned, his face calm, his jaw firm. He looked in her in the eyes, “I lied. I don’t love you and I never did. This whole relationship I was lying to you. I don’t love you.” And with that, he left. Her ‘love’ was gone.

What is this love you speak of? How do I know when I’m feeling it? How will I know when THE ONE comes along? What is this thing called love?

All this is prompted, not because I’m desprite for love and wanting it madly. Or because my nonexistent boyfriend and I have just broken up. Or because I’m suddenly against love. It’s prompted by the simple fact that I just realized how everyone I looked up to growing up in the youth group…is married. By my best friend and her boyfriend of almost two years who are talking about getting married. By people talking about how their relationship have consumed their lives. By an exboyfriend still telling me he loves me, when I know I never was in love with him. By my ‘big brother’ asking me what made people think they were in love. And by my own mind trying to figure out why I won’t stop remembering.

I’m not the typical girl. I’ve never been the type to need a boyfriend to make me happy. I learned that real soon as I was a serious tom-boy growing up and was blessed (?) with the ability to see boys in their natural way of life. The ones everyone else thought were wonderful, I knew that those boys were really just concerned about how ‘hot’ a certain tv star was and wasn’t paying any attention at all to their fan club. So I chose to instead stick with throwing the baseball and climbing trees. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until the second semester of my junior year and that lasted two weeks, because I realized I hated being smothered and loved my friends more than a boy who told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with them. My next boyfriend started as my best guy friend in the world until we realized that we had both liked eachother for over a year. That relationship lasted eight months because we live 30-45 minutes apart and neither of us are the type to smother the other. It only ended because we knew that it wasn’t part of God’s plan at the time. And the most recent one lasted another two weeks, I ended it because I knew I didn’t love him and I cannot see myself marrying him. I see no point in leading the boy on. {I have detected a pattern…2 weeks, 8 months, 2 weeks. huh perhaps the next one will be longer.}

My whole point for that spill of my life was to demostrate my lack of understanding. I have had two boys tell me they loved me in a romantic sense, and I felt no love of that kind for them (boyfriends #1 and #3). The only one who I felt actully understood the power that could be behind that phrase was boyfriend #2, who isn’t telling a girl not in his family he loves her until he meets the one he knows he will marry.

What is love? Really! How does a person know? I’ve been told it’s a feeling. It’s a mental thing. It’s God {which I agree mind you, but it doesn’t help me right now}. A longing that won’t go away. When you will do anything for a person. My brother told me it’s when one girl likes one boy {isn’t he brillent the little monkey?}. Oh and my favorite: It’s a feeling you get in your heart that you know is love. Helpful weren’t they.

What do you think love is? If you’re married, how did you know that was the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with? Do you think there is one person for each of us? Or do you think otherwise? Why?

What is love to you?

Obichum Te

Megan

oh and to Clark who asked, Obichum Te is Bulgarian for “I love you” but it’s friendly love. Like how you would tell a close friend I love you. It is not the romantic love.

this will perhaps be the most random and abstract blog you shall ever read.

I’m a 19 year old college student who is trying to avoid her brain being turned to mush by her professors by thinking on her own. This will be a blog full of ranting, musing, daydreams, perhaps a few stories, and random questions. You may not understand everything I decide to inform you of, and please understand that is perfectly alright and normal.

Obichum Te,

Megan